Real Pumpkin Pie

Everyone has a secret life,  something surprising,  something other than the things we are known for.   Me?   I bake pies.   Not just ordinary pies,  I bake really good pies,  pies that elicit slightly sexual mmmm's and oh-my-gods from those lucky enough to plunge a fork into one.    I use a simple butter crust,  fresh local ingredients,  not too much sugar.   

We grew a lot of winter squash this year and from where I'm sitting I can see pumpkins of all shapes and sizes spilling down the stairs,  on the tables, the chairs, the shelves, the floor,  everywhere.    One way to get rid of these gourds is to make pies.   I think I've made about fifteen so far.   So few people attempt real pumpkin pie because the preparation seems intimidating,  but having made a bunch now I'm surprised that I ever thought that.   It's one of the easier from-scratch pies to make and you get the reward of eating real pumpkin.   That stuff in the cans?  not pumpkin,  it's actually a blue butternut squash!

I start with a pie pumpkin, although you can use Sweet Meat,  Jardale,  or just about anything that looks like a pumpkin.     Cut that puppy in half and scrape out the guts.   Set the halves face down and bake at whatever temperature you want to for however long you feel like it.    Pull out the cooked pumpkin and peel the skin off.    Next,  scoop three big cups of pumkin glop into a bowl and puree it with a hand mixer until smooth.  

 Mix in three large eggs.   I get mine by lifting up a chicken.  
Mix in a half cup of whipping cream
Mix in a heaping half cup of raw sugar
Mix in a heaping tablespoon of pumpkin pie spice (cinnamon, nutmeg,  cloves)

The Sacred Crust Recipe

These instructions were found carved into a stone tablet in the lonely desert of Piekastan.   You must memorize every word and pass them down to your children.   Their power will become your power,  the power to impress,  the power to enchant,  the power to gloat shamelessly that you are the prophet of the true way and that all others are infidels.     You must follow them EXACTLY and never deviate from their teachings.

 Crust for one two crust pie or two one crust pies.

Begin with two level cups of organic white flour.
Add one heaping tablespoon of unrefined sugar.
Add one half teaspoon sea salt.   Mix.

Working quickly chop two sticks of chilled salted butter into pats and spread those pats throughout the mix.
Dice those flour coated pats up with a pastry knife until the mix has the consitency of small peas.
Shake four tablespoons of ice water into the mix while spinning the bowl and fluffing with a fork.
(I use an empty salt shaker)

Press the mix into two lumps without kneading and roll out immediately.
Rolling this dough will take patience and you can expect to patch it a bit at the end.

Follow these rules precisely,  practice,  and your prowess will be undeniable.   Old biddys with their lard and crisco crusts will cower before you.   You are now the keeper of the way.   Do not deviate.

Roll your pie crust into a 9 1/2 inch glass pie pan,  fill with pumpkin filling,  bake in the oven for 40-60 minutes at 350 degrees.  Let cool.  Eat.

Happy Thanksgiving,  I'm going out paddling just as soon as I finish this pie.

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