Real Pumpkin Pie
Everyone has a secret life, something surprising,
something other than the things we are known for.
Me? I bake pies. Not just ordinary pies,
I bake really good pies, pies that elicit slightly sexual mmmm's
and oh-my-gods from those lucky enough to plunge a fork into
one. I use a simple butter crust, fresh local
ingredients, not too much sugar.
We grew a lot of winter squash this year and from where I'm
sitting I can see pumpkins of all shapes and sizes spilling down the
stairs, on the tables, the chairs, the shelves, the floor,
everywhere. One way to get rid of these gourds is to
make pies. I think I've made about fifteen so
far. So few people attempt real pumpkin pie
because the preparation seems intimidating, but having made a
bunch now I'm surprised that I ever thought that. It's one
of the easier from-scratch pies to make and you get the reward of
eating real pumpkin. That stuff in the cans? not
pumpkin, it's actually a blue butternut squash!
I start with a pie pumpkin, although you can use Sweet Meat,
Jardale, or just about anything that looks like a pumpkin.
Cut that puppy in half and scrape out the guts. Set
the halves face down and bake at whatever temperature you want to for
however long you feel like it. Pull out
the cooked pumpkin and peel the skin off. Next,
scoop three big cups of pumkin glop into a bowl and puree it with a
hand mixer until smooth.
Mix in three large eggs. I get mine by lifting
up a chicken.
Mix in a half cup of whipping cream
Mix in a heaping half cup of raw sugar
Mix in a heaping tablespoon of pumpkin pie spice (cinnamon,
The Sacred Crust Recipe
These instructions were found carved into a stone tablet in the
desert of Piekastan. You must memorize every word and pass
to your children. Their power will become your power,
the power to
impress, the power to enchant, the power to gloat
you are the prophet of the true way and that all others are
infidels. You must follow them EXACTLY and
never deviate from their
Crust for one two crust pie or two one crust pies.
Begin with two level cups of organic white flour.
Add one heaping tablespoon of unrefined sugar.
Add one half teaspoon sea salt. Mix.
Working quickly chop two sticks of chilled salted butter into pats
and spread those pats throughout the mix.
Dice those flour coated pats up with a pastry knife until the mix
has the consitency of small peas.
Shake four tablespoons of ice water into the mix while spinning
the bowl and fluffing with a fork.
(I use an empty salt shaker)
Press the mix into two lumps without kneading and roll out
Rolling this dough will take patience and you can expect to patch
it a bit at the end.
Follow these rules precisely, practice, and your
prowess will be
undeniable. Old biddys with their lard and crisco crusts
before you. You are now the keeper of the way.
Do not deviate.
Roll your pie crust into a 9 1/2 inch glass pie pan, fill with
pumpkin filling, bake in the oven for 40-60 minutes at 350
degrees. Let cool. Eat.
Happy Thanksgiving, I'm going out paddling just as soon as I
finish this pie.
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